My family is entering year six of our homeschooling adventure, and we are loving another year of learning together and being together. By no means does this statement suggest we don’t have hard days, tense moments, and arguments over really important issues, like sharing of the household air. You know, life altering things that must be hashed out in the middle of scripture time. All of that aside, homeschooling was the absolute, best decision for our family, and despite the challenges that come from keeping four strong-willed individuals with distinct, and large, personalities together in the same room for long periods of time each day, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Most homeschooling families I know feel the same way. Granted, there is the homeschooling mother that comes along, now and then, that really wants to put her child back in school, or is really struggling with the personal sacrifice that comes from the decision to homeschool, but that mother is the exception, not the rule.
Em made the mistake of being too real with a public school mom about the challenges she faces as a homeschooling mom. It reminded me of so many experiences over the years I decided to publish a series of the most popular statements that I have encountered that you might want to avoid. Em has added her two cents which you will see like this throughout the post.
For those of you who have chosen public school for your family, I totally respect your decision and assume that it is the best thing for you and your kids. I am sure you have encountered homeschooling families who are sure that their way is the right way and have told you so. You won’t encounter that here. I am all about live and let live. I agree with Thomas Jefferson, if it neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg, it is no concern of mine.
10. Since you’re home with your kids all day anyway could you…
There are many problems with this question. One : it assumes I AM home all day. Homeschool does not mean we don’t leave out house (more on this later). Indeed we might be at the museum learning about art by looking at it instead of pictures of it in text books. We may be at the symphony hall listening to the orchestra instead of recordings of it. We might be at the botanical gardens learning about indigenous flora. Perhaps we’re at the zoo studying the life cycle of moths and butterflies. We might be at chick-fil-a meeting friends for lunch and recess. Two: whatever you’re planning to ask me to do for you I want you to think about it first, would you ask your friend who was a school teacher to do it? What about your friend who’s a nurse? Would you ask her to do it? IF not, then DON’T ASK. I am working too; I am working at teaching my children. This never lasts long with me, I let people know right away that I am a stay at home mom who doesn’t stay home. Sure, I will help you out where I can, but, no, I will not take on your special projects you don’t have time for…I have my own list of projects I don’t have time for.
9.. I don’t know how you can stand being around your kids ALL THE TIME!
Quite frankly, I don’t know how you can stand being away from your kids all day every day. I find my children to be smart, creative, unique beings, who challenge me by the hour and give me endless satisfaction to be around. That doesn’t mean I don’t like doing other things or that I am afraid to send them out into the world to spend time doing other things, I just think they’re great. The most important relationships we have are with our families and I want to foster those relationships in the best way I know how…quality time and lots of it. (AMEN!!! My boys were young when I began homeschooling and one reason was to foster a friendship between them. Do the people who ask this questions of homeschool moms ask school teachers “how can you handle being around kids all day?” I know I like my kids way more than other people’s kids and I am what some would call a “kid person”, so why wouldn’t I want to spend time with them and watch their eyes light up with knowledge?)
8. Don’t you ever want a break?
YES!!! Don’t you? I get breaks all the time. I just attended a women’s conference last weekend and I found it an amazing resource to refill my spiritual and emotional tank so I can give better parts of myself to my family. I’m tired, cranky, and even downright unpleasant to be around if I don’t get enough quiet time. Therefore, I have trained my children to leave me alone for a couple of hours each day. Unless something is on fire or someone is bleeding or about to die, they are not to bother mom. That isn’t selfish or uncaring; it is teaching them boundaries and respect for other people’s needs. I have a child who needs the same kind of space to recharge and she relish’s her time alone each day. The other two get to entertain each other, which continues to build those ever so important familial bonds. Now, if you are asking if I feel like I need to be away from my kids every day? The answer is no. If you are interested in learning more about this, I highly recommend the book, “The Me Time Myth”. (I have my monthly support meeting I mentioned, I have the time to talk with moms while my kids are at their sports classes, I have time to myself while the baby sleeps and the medium ones watch an educational show and the big ones read. There are plenty of ways to get the non-kid time I need)
7. Is school out early today?...and other insinuations that my children are not where they are supposed to be.
No, school is not out early; we are done for the day (or perhaps we haven’t started yet but we needed milk for breakfast, or maybe we are doing school right now and learning about money at the grocery store where most of ours is spent). Wondering why we don’t spend six to seven hours a day hitting the books? I suggest you take one of your “me time” days and go shadow your child at school. (When my oldest was in Public School Kindergarten I had reason to be at the school around lunch time for something and I asked his teacher if I should just take him home, would he be missing anything? She responded that they had nap time and were going to watch a Disney movie until school was dismissed. This was pretty common for all the “all-day kindergarten” classes, they only “did school” in the morning.) While you are there, please record the actual amount of teaching time your child’s teacher spends on instruction and the amount of time your child spends on school work. Don’t count any time the teacher spends on announcements, time children spend getting coats, standing in line, walking down the halls, bathroom breaks, lunch time, recess, and any of the time spent on dealing with administrative or discipline issues. I did this… that’s how I know how little time was spent learning in a day. I absolutely guarantee you (without stepping a foot inside your child’s school) that my kids spend more time learning each day than yours do. They get to work at their own pace and work on assignments in the order they want to and only have to take breaks when they want to. After two to three hours, without all the distractions and wasted time of a public school, they are done academically for the day and we get to do all the fun stuff. Yeah, it’s awesome. (Funny story!! One time a friend and I were out and about with our combined dozen homeschooled children, when someone asked us this question. I got to watch her inform them she had a PhD. NO I don’t feel like I am less qualified than she is to teach my kids since I don’t have one, but darn it the look on the face of the poor old lady who’d stuck her nose in our business was such sweet vindication.)
6. How do you know they are learning? Do you have the school test them?
Just like in public school, they take assessments throughout the school year and I grade them, just like your child’s teacher. Since a passing grade in our school is 80%, (she's nicer than me, some things I make them keep doing to perfection) anything less means we get to go back and learn some more. I find this is great incentive for them to pay attention and learn the material the first time…yes, I’m a hard-ass. No, I do not willingly ever take my children to the State and have them tested. Since we recently moved, I have been informed that the state we now reside in expects the kids to be tested…gag.
5. Your kids seem so normal.
Ummm, thanks? What is that supposed to mean? We are not going for the mainstream media version of normal so maybe I’m a horrendous failure. I don’t want kids who talk back, hate having parents to oppress them with rules, insist on certain clothing brands, engage in questionable online activities, spend more time texting their friends than talking to them face to face, and when asked what they want to be when they grow up, respond with “famous”…which by the way, is NOT a job or a career. Jeffrey Dahmer is famous…for eating people. I am seriously concerned with an entire generation of kids who have no other aspiration than to be famous. But I digress. If by normal you mean that my children look you in the eye when you speak to them and form cohesive, articulate responses and behave in a way that is respectful to themselves and society, then, sincerely, thank you. I’m not sure what you expected, but this is what is normal and WE have no reason to expect less.
4. “Wow I’m glad I’m not homeschooled, then I’d be socially awkward like you”
Yes my poor son had this said to him, by a boy at church no less. So many responses ran through my mind when he told us. My son is not “socially awkward” because he is homeschooled. It’s probable that the same people who are telling Elle her kids are normal would look at him and say “see that’s what happens when you homeschool”. That’s not it at all. My sweet, intelligent, loving, gentle son would be just as “awkward” if he were in Jr/Sr High school, there would just be a lot more people being mean to him so that he’d begin to believe the ugly things said to him. Homeschooling doesn’t make “weird kids”, it just gives them a place to belong and not be bullied. And what is weird about him? He thinks his opinions have merit, he doesn’t limit friendship to those born within 6 months either direction of him, and he likes to talk about things he has learned? My unspoken response to this kid “wow glad my kids aren’t public schooled or then they’d be jerks like you.”
3. You should just put them back in public school.
This response usually come when we least expect them. The conversations go something like this:
PSmom- Haven’t seen you in a while how are things going? Anything new?
HS mom- I know it’s been a long time, we are doing great and expecting again!!
PSmom-Oh congrats on the baby, are you going to put the kids in school now?
OR
PSmom-So my husband said yours is deploying with him, we should make some plans for while they’re gone. So you’re going to enroll your kids for the year, right?
OR
HSmom-So things have been kind of hard, I’m really worried about my mom the doctors aren’t sure what’s going on, my sister lives near her and has been taking care of things, but I just worry.
PSmom-Wow that’s hard, maybe you should put your kids in school, you know get a break, you wouldn’t be a failure, it’s okay to know your limits.
Do we come to you when your child is having trouble in public school and suggest you send them to boarding school? No, we do not, because it isn’t any of our business how you handle your kid’s situation at school. We are going to have bad days. We are going to have moments where we question ourselves as teachers and as mothers. But, please, stop assuming that putting our kids in public school is going to fix all of our problems. That would only create a different set of problems, one that most of us have experienced before and have no desire to go back to. We don’t miss having long nights doing homework and speeding like a drag racer to get to school on time and avoid yet another notice from the school telling you what a failure you are for being a minute late…again. We have no desire to be involved in the PTA and have no need to feel like we must volunteer for everything to remain involved in our children’s lives. We don’t miss the tears in our child’s eyes as they recount dealing with bullying or the pettiness of other children. We don’t ever again have to worry about our child being wrongly accused by the class brat for something they didn’t do, or about what the neglected kid is exposing them too at recess. I won’t ever again have to try and undo the piles of anxiety heaped on my children in the school system’s desperate haste to meet the insane testing standards dumped on schools by the government. No. Just, no.
2. How are they going to get into college?
The same way your kids will get into college. Through hard work. They will take the same tests and the college will look at the same records. My kids have transcripts and we are gearing up for ACT’s and SAT’s just like everyone else. The myth that kids have to graduate from a public school in order to get into college has existed for way too long. So, here’s the truth. Colleges love homeschooled kids. (Some even have their own admittance testing so they can get away from the standardized ones) Homeschooled kids are independent learners, have a great work ethic, are well rounded in their experiences and interests, and are more prepared for college than most public schooled kids. In fact, many homeschooled kids take college classes while in high school to get a head start and graduate one to two years earlier from college than their peers. Yeah, it’s awesome.
1. You need to make sure they stay socialized.
Really? Still with the “homeschooled kids aren’t socialized” crap? This is by far the most aggravating and inappropriate thing that people say to homeschooling families, and it is by far the most common. The socialization myth has been fully vetted and found to be lacking in any foundation…so STOP! My children are socialized, period. They are not socialized like your kids and I am okay with that. I prefer my children to be around children of all ages and demographics. I prefer my children learn how to speak to adults and value the stories and contributions of the elderly. I prefer my children to be prepared to communicate with people who are older than they are because their first of many bosses WILL be older than they are. I prefer my children learn to care for and communicate with people younger than they are because I want them to love little children and enjoy their company. After all, they will be parents someday. As a homeschooling family, my children socialize with people of all ages on a regular basis. They are just as comfortable in a group of peers their own age as they are in a room full of adults or a room full of toddlers (the real world isn’t made up of nice lil rooms filled with 20-30 people “just like you”). Yes, that is the type of socialization I want my children to have and that is exactly what they are getting. Praise God!
In the past few years parents of all ages and stages have taken to judging each other and voicing their loud and proud opinions about what all other parents are doing. Can we just stop? Maybe just once you should try just remaining silent…it’s a constitutional right that gets way too little attention these days. Or, perhaps we could dish out some empathy, like “hey, that sounds really rough. I’m here to listen and be a friend, always. And by the way, I think you are great!” Imagine a world where mom’s said that to each other instead of pointing out what they are doing wrong! We are all dealing with way more than we can handle sometimes. What better way to support each other through tough times than by no longer tearing each other apart?
We CAN do better, so let’s start by stopping the judgmental nonsense that has taken over and start being unified in our goal to raise the next generation to be kind, responsible, independent, and strong individuals who contribute positively to society.
Let us know what you think in the comments.
Keep being awesome,
Elle and Em
